Fake News Articles

 

Studies Show Prehistoric Chickens Tasted Like Fish

 

Man Loses Head; Evil Mad Scientist Suspected

 

Police Squeeze Illegal Lemonade Ring

 

Robot Surfs Internet; Vomits

 

Street Performer Injured

Essays

 

Brain Cells

 

Worms

 

Scissor Wizards

 

Power Strip

 

Email from Kirk Cameron ...

 

What Happens When …

 

I'm Going to Administrate the Bejesus Out of Some Shit Today

 

Where I Would Be if I Were Your Three-Pronged Plug Adapter Thingy

 

What Are My Arms Supposed to Do While I Descend the Stairs?

 

Crazy and Insane

 

Astronaut Bed

 

Open Letter – Horse

 

Open Letter – Titties

Rants

 

Microwave Popcorn

 

Girls Gone Wild

 

Check Writers

 

Acquaintence Spam

 

Driving

 

Walkie-Talkie Phones

 

Gay Marriage

 

Leaf Blowers

 

Office Parties

 

Jessica Simpson

 

William Hung

Letters

 

Cover Letter 1

 

Cover Letter 2

 

Fedex Complaint

 

Delta Complaint

 

Continental Complaint

 

United Complaint

 

Westin Complaint

 

"Silkies" Letter

 

Floss Pitch

 

Cliche Buddy Pitch

 

Grab Bag

 

To Be Smurfy Is To Be Misunderstood: Famous Quotations In Which The Word Great Has Been Replaced By Smurfy

 

Help! I'm Turning Into Donald Rumsfeld!

 

My First French Joke

 

Conversation Between a Mobster and the Podunk Sheriff He's Just Bribed

 

Whiskey in 100 Words or Less

 

Documented Proof of What It Would Take To Get Me Into a New Car Today

 

Therein Lies the Problem long-since deleted chapter:  The Hatchetts

Poetry

 

Mississippi Seduction

 

Procrastination

 

Oatmeal

 

Suicide

 

Nitrous