E-MAIL TO
BE SENT AUTOMATICALLY TO KIRK CAMERON’S ADDRESS BOOK IF HE DOESN’T
LOGIN FOR 24 HOURS, I.E., THE RAPTURE OCCURS
SUBJECT: Not
to say I told you so, BUT ...
Hey guys,
Your buddy Kirk,
here. I apologize for the informal group e-mail, but it was sent automatically
from my computer after I floated up into the sky to be with Jesus
(in other words, I’m not really “here” anymore). By now The Rapture
is surely all over the news, and you’re probably anxious to find out
who else is left behind, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. Well,
short at least :)
There’s good news and bad news. I’ll
start with the good news (cause you sinners like instant gratification):
It’s possible you’ll live up to SEVEN MORE YEARS! Pretty cool, huh?
Well, the bad news is: Those seven years aren’t going to be
filled with the drug snorting and gay sex romping you’ve become accustomed
to. Yes folks, there’s going to be a little ... well, Tribulation
(ha!), but don’t worry, your good buddy Kirk is gonna help you make
the most of it!
First let’s talk about what you can expect. Pretty
soon, about one in three of you will be killed. Bummer, I know! It
could be war, it could be famine ... and pestilence is very much in
play, too, not to mention assorted wild beasts. In particular, keep
a watchful eye out for horse-like creatures (millions of them) and
locusts (billions of them) as well as bacteria (too many to count).
But think of it this way – the odds are much better than what your
favorite Vegas casinos are offering!
No need to plan any more
booze cruises, either, because the seas will undergo a chemical transformation
– possibly due to a meteor – that kills one-third of the marine life
and turns the water blood red. Hardly a sailor’s delight! Similarly,
about one-third of the land will be scorched and totally unusable.
It’s also likely there’ll be a colossal earthquake that blacks out
the sun and moves all the continents around. Not a picnic, that’s
for sure, but better than the eternal
Okay, so, here’s the really important part. There’s
going to be this dude – some sort of powerful world leader dude –
who’s gonna try to WOW everybody with all these great ideas. He’s
gonna be very persuasive, and lots of people are gonna to think he’s
the best thing since sliced bread (which is overrated anyhow, if you
ask me), and one of his neat-o ideas is going to be an implant – like
a microchip or something – that lets everyone buy and sell stuff without
money. It’ll either go in your forehead or your right hand. Sounds
pretty awesome, right?
WRONG! This is the Mark of the Beast predicted
in the Bible! And the politician dude is the AntiChrist! DO NOT GET
THE MICROCHIP! It will turn into a nasty sore and then spread to your
whole body and you’ll die an agonizing death! The problem is, if you
DON’T get the microchip, you’ll likely be burned at the stake like
they used to do the witches in
Show me that smile,
Don’t waste another
minute on your cryin’,
We’re nowhere near the end,
The best is ready
to begin!
Man, that Growing Pains theme song was inspirational,
wasn’t it? A complete load of malarkey given your current situation,
but ... for a program that routinely glazed over sin with hackneyed
moral clichés, it wasn’t altogether bad. Yet I digress!
My point
is, try to forget for a minute about which excruciating death you’d
choose, because there’s another way! And your buddy Kirk is gonna
tell you about it!
First off, you’ll want to scrape together
the following: bottled water, non-perishable food, medicine and gold
jewelry (for bartering), along with all the weapons you can lay hands
on – guns, knives, clubs, chains, pepper spray, whatever. Be creative!
You might also want to get some diversionary materials such as playing
cards, checkers and such (Yahtzee is always fun), because you’re going
to be in isolation for some time.
Once you get all packed, what
you need is a nice, remote, well-concealed place to hole up for a
while. Like a mountain cave or abandoned shipyard or someplace like
that. Again, think outside the box! Then you just wait until Jesus
comes back to slay the AntiChrist and judge everyone both living and
dead, at which time you’ll either be sentenced to eternal life (party
with Kirk!) or eternal damnation. Based on your current track record,
it’s probably going to be damnation, which means – you got it – the
Remember what Yogi Berra said, though.
It ain’t over ‘til it’s over! I mean, just look at your buddy Kirk,
and how I turned my life around after Growing Pains. Turned my disgusting
Oedipus-complex lust for Joanna Kerns (you have to admit, she was
beguiling in a homely sort of way) into a pure and wholesome love
for Jesus Christ. Quit all the drinking and partying and masturbating
and, instead, devoted my time to stomping out homosexuality once and
for all. Granted, I may have fallen short in that regard, but their
gay “chestnuts” will soon be roasting on an open fire ...
Anyhoo, best
of luck!
Your buddy,
Kirk
P.S. Don’t forget to pack
some personal hygiene items – for the cave or whatever – toothbrush,
toothpaste, soap, deodorant, etc. While it may not get you into heaven,
it’s still true what they say. Cleanliness is next to Godliness!
