I have a legitimate plan to take over the world and it involves only one set of accomplices … that is, accomplices that fall under one category. They all have one profession. A group of scissor wizards, that’s the clue. Scissor wizards.

If you guessed barbers, you are correct. Along with the cooperation of at least a majority of the world’s barbers … barbers and hairstylists, okay? Technically that’s two groups, barbers and hairstylists, but we’re going to lump them all together into one group and call them barbers. The plan is really quite simple. You get all the barbers to agree to this plan. They may not be aware of the level to which it’s going, i.e., taking over the world, mind you. They may think it’s just a large scale demonstration of some kind. What you do is, you organize all these barbers and you have a … I’m sure there’s a National Barbers’ Day already that’s recognized by barbers and their families. Incidentally, have you ever met a barber? Seriously, think about if you’ve ever met a barber before. I know I haven’t. I mean, met a barber outside of a barber shop, that is. You know, you bump into somebody at a wedding or bar mitzvah and you say, “So, what do you do?” and they say, “I’m a barber.” It’s never happened to me. I’ve met people from many, many professions but barber is not one of them. Which is why … and I’ll get to the other reasons why barbers are particularly well-suited for this task in a minute. I think they’re secretive, which is the bush I was beating around there, but for other reasons, too, I like the barbers as accomplices ...

The plan itself would basically entail rallying around this National Barbers’ Day and promoting a National Barbers’ Day event whereby barbers are appreciated and, more importantly, where every world leader – major politicians, important business leaders and so on – would all get their hair cut on that National Barbers’ Day and they would all get it cut at a certain time, so it would be like a “power cut” or something like that.

And it would literally be a “power cut” because once you got all these individuals in the chair, you would slit their throats all at the same time! Which would be quite easy. Then you would simply fill the power vacuum with a decisive and charismatic leader ... in this case, myself. You know, with another regime … in this case, myself. I think it would go rather smoothly.

When you think about the barbers, the great thing about them is the network. Perhaps the government should be keeping a closer eye on them, if they’re not already. They’re so numerous and so evenly spread out, the barbers. Think about it. There is a barber in just about every town, I would venture to say, in the world. Every outcropping of civilization, no matter how large or small, has at least one barber and therefore you’d be able to take out not only the upper level of politicians and executives and so on, but you’d be able to get down to that lower level as well, which would really, in essence, create the total power vacuum, which would be kind of scary, but also kind of awesome in a way, you know?