Open Letter - Titties

OPEN LETTER TO THE WORD "TITTIES"

Dear Titties,

It was fifth grade the first time I heard you, your two bouncy syllables jettisoned into the sandbox by my friend Mike's older brother, Ike (a.k.a. Brian). He had jumped the fence from the adjoining middle school playground to explain the physics of ejaculation and to beat the living shit out of us, and we always assumed one was inextricably linked to the other, like the cause and effect of sin and sacrifice. The infamous phrase was: "You're supposed to shoot it all over girl's face and titties, so I just use my sister's Barbie."

I remember it like yesterday. In fact, even better, since yesterday I was quite excessively drunk. But I know you won't judge me for that Titties, even though it was a workday, because you're often quite misunderstood yourself, aren't you? I mean, your purpose is not unlike that of Shoes or Parsnips or any other noun, in that you just want to accurately signify something that has either been observed or concocted by man. People look down their noses at you because you're a synonym often used in poor taste, by distasteful characters like old Ike. But it's a shame, because you do your job so well, Titties. You're a quintessential noun because you conger up an image in a way that Breasts, or Hooters or even Jugs cannot. In fact, you're one of the few words I like as much as the real thing. For example, I like fudge. I'm very fond of fudge, yet I cringe every time I hear the word spoken aloud. Could it be the connotation with the proverbial "packing" of fudge? Most likely, yes. Just as I would argue it's your connotation with a certain sexual act that causes people to shy away from your public use.

I'll admit I'm among them - because, let's face it Titties, you are not socially accepted. Neither is Gonads! Although, the more I think about it, the more I believe that's part of your appeal. I covet you because you are a forbidden pleasure, like making funny faces at oneself in the bathroom mirror. When I'm alone I like to say you over and over, and even sing songs like Titties, Titties, I Love Titties! or Titties For Titties Sake (both rousing, and often arousing, tunes). I love you, Titties. There, I said it. You will forever remain like a rare, delicate gossamer in my collective vocabulary - hermetically sealed by cultural morays - destined to be cherished and appreciated but never to fly freely again.

Sincerely,

Steve Dupont