WHAT ARE MY ARMS SUPPOSED TO DO WHILE I DESCEND
THE STAIRS?

I'm tempted to hold them straight over my head and scream EEEEEE! as though plummeting at breakneck speed on the latest super-mega-thrill-coaster. But that would be rather silly and would no doubt raise a few eyebrows among my co-workers here at the officeplex. Not that I care about what they think. Okay, I do actually. I care a lot. Otherwise I wouldn't be obsessed with the two inert meat tubes dangling at my sides, commonly referred to as arms. It seems so awkward just to let them jiggle and sway like one might imagine Richard Simmons' flaccid penis doing inside those nylon shorty shorts while he's "Sweatin' to the Oldies" (assuming Richard Simmons actually has a penis and that, in fact, one could imagine it).

On the other hand - or set of hands, as it were - it might appear too robotic or even Germanic to hold my arms rigid at my sides as if I were about to execute a "Popsicle stick" dive into the pool (the proverbial pool, that is, as the officeplex doesn't have one). The third option - fourth option? The other obvious option, and the most tantalizing, is to bend my arms and pump them ever-so-slightly as a jogger might do. Of course, this requires descending the stairs in a quicker, more jaunty fashion, and I'm not sure if I can pull off jauntiness.

Needless to say, a guy like Richard Simmons can pull off jauntiness - but as for me, I'm just not sure it fits my persona. I have big heavy feet that tend to shuffle and I don't smile at people much. Instead I do that pursed-lipped "how ya doin'?" sort of gesture around the officeplex. I just want to blend in. The last thing I need is for my fellow officeplex employees to start asking, "Who's that guy always walking up and down the stairs? You know, that jaunty guy." Sure, there are worse guys I could be. I could be "smelly guy" or "frumpy guy," but all the same I'm not sure if I want to be jaunty guy. So that leaves me with robot guy and crazy dangly-arms guy, neither of which I want to be either, so maybe I'll just quit whining and ride that deathtrap we call the elevator.

All Pages © Copyright 2006 by Steve Dupont