Flying Pontiac

DOCUMENTED PROOF OF WHAT IT WOULD TAKE TO GET ME INTO A NEW CAR TODAY

The following is the actual transcript of a phone conversation I had with a Pontiac dealer in Jasper, Alabama, which is near Birmingham.

SALESMAN: This is Phil, can I help you?

ME: Bill?

SALESMAN: Phil. P-H.

ME: Ah, like doctor Phil?

SALESMAN: Yeah.

ME: Are you responsible for sales of Pontiac vehicles?

SALESMAN: Sorry?

ME: Pontiacs? Do you sell them?

SALESMAN: Yes.

ME: Super! Here's what I need: a car that's very fast, yet very light. A high speed to weight ratio. Or a very low weight to speed ratio, as the case may be. Any cars to recommend, which fit this particular bill? The Fiero, perhaps?

SALESMAN: They don't make the Fiero anymore.

ME: Oh.

SALESMAN: I'd recommend the Pontiac Grand Prix.

ME: Grand Prix?

SALESMAN: Yes.

ME: Don't you think it's a bit heavy?

SALESMAN: No. I was on the racetrack at Talledega with it at 132 miles per hour, and it had just rolled off the lot here.

ME: That is rather fast, and speed is important, very important … it's got a wide base, too, doesn't it?

SALESMAN: Wide-track.

ME: Sure. I suppose that would be helpful, in terms of stability, considering the wingspan will be about thirty feet. It's metal then, the exterior?

SALESMAN: Yes.

ME: So rivets could be driven in without much problem?

SALESMAN: Sure.

ME: Brilliant. It's just the weight I'm worried about, once the car actually gets airborne.

SALESMAN: I drove that 2004 Grand Prix around the bank at Talledega - I don't know if you're familiar with the racetrack, but it's one of the fastest around. Average speeds run from 201 to 225 miles per hour.

ME: The banks keep the cars from flying off the track.

SALESMAN: Exactly, yes. And in terms of handling and performance, the Grand Prix did everything I thought a car should do, in my opinion. The aerodynamics of the car actually press it down at those speeds, and keep it firmly on the ground.

ME: Hmm … so that might work against me if I were trying to achieve the opposite effect.

SALESMAN: This is true.

ME: Which is why I had envisioned the Fiero, because it's got an ultralight space age polymer shell, isn't that correct?

SALESMAN: They don't make the Fiero anymore.

ME: Right, you said.

SALESMAN: I could probably find you a used one, but it's not half the vehicle the Grand Prix is, if you want my honest opinion.

ME: I'd also be worried about the rivets popping loose - from the plastic body. That's what sunk the Titanic you know.

SALESMAN: I don't think you can find a better vehicle than the Grand Prix. Like I said, I was highly impressed by its performance at high speed.

ME: I suppose I could reduce the weight if I took out some of the cumbersome interior accouterments, the dashboard and seats and whatnot. Probably wouldn't need a muffler either.

SALESMAN: That wouldn't be any problem at all. The back seats fold down in the Grand Prix, giving you superior cargo room, but you could just as easily pop them out of there. Just a few bolts holding them down.

ME: Brilliant. Surely I'll be needing that cargo room, too, for various equipment - parachutes and so forth. Now, comment if you would on two other aspects of the Grand Prix, the suspension and the ground clearance. Because I'm concerned about the landing. A nice wide base will be good, but she needs to touch down without completely destroying the undercarriage, you understand?

SALESMAN: I'm not aware of the actual ground clearance. I think the curb weight is 34,000 pounds … V-6 engine, electronic throttle control, approximately 280 horsepower …

ME: Right, but the suspension …

SALESMAN: Springs, struts.

ME: Spring-loaded struts?

SALESMAN: Yessir.

ME: The key is bringing her in level and just feathering her onto the tarmac ever-so-gently.

SALESMAN: Well, it is a wide-track handling vehicle. The stabilization on it is fantastic. The engineering … the performance at high speeds has surpassed anything I've seen.

ME: Right, well, with an undertaking like this I'm sure you can understand there are many more calculations to be done, on a much higher level, involving computers and additional madmen, but I appreciate your help in getting this project off the ground, as it were.

SALESMAN: I'll be happy to work with you in any way I can.

ME: Maybe you can come witness the inaugural flight.

SALESMAN: Maybe so.

ME: Buh-bye.

(CLICK)