I'm talking about the deal where everyone from the department crams into that tiny little breakroom, or that copy/fax area, and celebrate a co-worker's birthday with cake-eating and excruciatingly banal conversation. See, no one wants to talk about work, which is the easiest thing to do but not "festive" or "cool," and no one really wants to talk about their personal life either, so what does that leave us? The veritable charred and ruined, post-apocalyptic social landscape of SMALL TALK. Oh, Jesus, help us!

I like cake as much as the next guy, but the price is too steep. It's simply not worth it. I've tried skipping these parties on a few occasions, but it's harder than trying to dodge the IRS for chrissakes. There's always that secretary or administrative peon who goes around and herds everyone up with chipper enticements of, "Come on, there's cake! There's cake!" As if cake were some controlled substance not available in the outside world. And if you don't want any? You might as well be a devil-worshipper or a communist.

At the very least, I try to get there after most people have already received their plates, because there's nothing worse that standing around waiting for a piece of cake you don't even want, talking to people you don't even like. Inevitably, someday some disgruntled worker will poison the cake in attempt to kill everyone in the department, so why take the chance?

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