Driving

Granted, it's a wide category, especially in terms of ranting. There are a whole bunch of worms I could yank out of this proverbial can, but in the spirit of brevity and discipline I'll limit myself to two major issues, as follows.

Issue number one: Little women in big automobiles. That sounds chauvinistic, I know, but please understand this is merely the endpoint of a wide spectrum of disgruntlement I harbor toward all those gargantuan-SUV-driving maniacs out there. Also note, I'm not talking about the regular-sized-humongous-SUVs like Ford Explorers and Jeep Cherokees. By today's standards, these are practically compact cars. My beef is with the military-strength vehicles like Hummers and Suburbans - and the dainty little soccer moms who drive them. Now, again, I'm not trying to propagate the stereotype that women are worse drivers than men. The point is that the average person is simply unqualified to operate heavy machinery of that size - and especially those who can barely see over the f---ing dashboard! When they're distracted by their 18 jillion kids bouncing around like monkeys in the back seat! It's not just bad for the environment and parking lot logisticians, it's dangerous as hell! If I had a buck for every time I've almost been wiped out by one of these morons, I'd have - well, I'd have about 15 or 20 bucks. But that's 15 or 20 times that I've cheated death, mind you! I'm talking about - all right, all right, enough on that. On we go.

Issue number two: Dump trucks. More specifically, those signs you see on the back of dump trucks that say NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BROKEN WINDSHIELDS. STAY BACK 10 BILLION FEET. I mean, are you kidding me? This is a joke, right? Well, I ain't laughing. First of all, if posting a disclaimer on the back of a truck can absolve the driver and/or trucking company from responsibility as it pertains to debris flying pell mell into the roadway, then could I not post a similar message on the back of my car? For example, NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MANGLED BUMPERS, ESPECIALLY TO THOSE CARS RIDING MY ASS. Or perhaps, NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR EXPLOSIONS CAUSED WHEN I SWERVE IN FRONT OF YOU AND RUN YOU OFF THE ROAD, CAUSING YOUR VEHICLE TO SMASH THROUGH THE GUARDRAIL AND PLUMMET DOWN INTO A RAVINE. How about that? Is that quid pro quo in this situation? By the same token, could I wear a disclaimer tee shirt? How about, NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BROKEN NOSES AND TEETH CAUSED BY MY FIST. Because that could really work for me, a system like that. After all, I just want to understand the system so I can operate efficiently and effectively within it. Oh, and the other thing, about the STAY BACK 20 QUATRILLION FEET part. I don't know about you, but I can't even read those little signs unless I'm at least a few car-lengths away, which means if my windshield gets broken I'm S.O.L. But, wait a second, does that mean I can sue if my windshield gets broken from a distance of MORE THAN 30 kazillion feet? I'm thinking not. And I'm also thinking that's complete and utter bullshit! I'll tell you what I want to do. I want to put the exact same sign on the back of my car. Then I want to get in front of one of these assholes on the highway, open my sunroof and start pelting his windshield with handfuls of gravel! Of course, I might need someone else to take the wheel during this process, otherwise it could be dangerous.