Boulder, Colorado – In an apparent effort to upstage competitors on the Pearl Street mall yesterday, a woman shocked a host of onlookers when she attempted to launch herself at top speed through the center of a doughnut. The woman, who remains anonymous, sustained lacerations and minor head injuries.
Miraculously,
the two teenagers holding the doughnut escaped with only superficial
wounds, although many witnesses say the psychological damage incurred
will be much more difficult to overcome. Said J.D. Ketchum,
a banker from Texas on vacation with his family, “That’s just plain
stupid. It’s one thing to be cramming yourself into a box for
a living but I don’t want my kids to see that. It’s supposed
to be for the kids after all, isn’t it?”
Local residents did
not react so emphatically but were nonetheless saddened by another
example of the general decline in street performance quality. For instance, many still recall “The human cookie jar incident” of
‘97 and “The titmouse fiasco” of ’98. “It really is pathetic,”
said CU freshman Brittney Aguilera. “From what I heard growing
up in Grand Junction, the street performers here were like mutants
or something, but so far I’ve been totally bummed out on the whole
scene. It’s totally lame.”
Why the sudden drop off in talented freaks? Some say government
regulation is to blame, although lawmakers adamantly defend themselves
on the issue. Councilman “Honest” Abe Morecash points out that,
“What we have here is yet another social phenomenon indicative of
the widespread influence of video games and the like. Parents
just aren’t spending quality time with their kids anymore, taking
them to the circus and buying them yo-yos.” In the end, however,
Morecash emphasized that the important aspect of the situation was
that no city property was damaged—and no innocent bystanders were
severely injured.
Such a bystander, local artist Ilene Easel summed up the opinions
of many when she said, “What a waste of a perfectly good doughnut.”