Cover Letter 1

Name/Title
Company
Address
Address

Dear Sir or Madam,

The incessant barking of the dog next door has been assaulting my synapses for the past four hours straight. I would never hurt an animal but I have imagined trying to hypnotize him. If it works, I could probably make a small fortune … but in the meantime, the obvious solution is finding a job.

I am all about solving problems. The bookstore shelves are teeming with "self-help" manuals for the business professional, but it's really not that complicated, is it? You solve problems. And when you run out of problems, you create new ones. For instance, you may sit there and think, Let's see, how can I make the boss look like the most brilliant human being alive and therefore double our department's budget? Often this involves raising your creative energy level and channeling it to those around you. I have a wealth of creative energy-so much that I fear it may destroy me if I don't channel it soon (I'm exaggerating of course).

I am nothing if not a humble man. Granted, I cannot claim to be "just a po' boy from down the bayou," which sounds quite humble indeed, but nonetheless I typically frown upon shameless self-promotion. Facts are facts though, and job hunting is about sales. And sales is about boasting, bragging and persuading, in good taste, through infallible confidence in your product. I am fortunate enough to represent a truly outstanding product (most people call me Steve), so I am prepared to cast humility aside and let you know just how phenomenal I am.

I am nothing if not a bona fide superstar. I am a workhorse. I am dedicated and loyal. I can multi-task you silly. I always exceed expectations. I have replaced the term "customer satisfaction" with "customer elation."
I am the go-to-guy, the rock, ever-dependable. I am both a creative and organizational powerhouse. I am an independent thinker and a skilled collaborator, reserved yet outspoken, efficient yet meticulous, quantitative and qualitative alike. I have a penchant for motivating and entertaining those around me. I always confess to my mistakes and almost never allude to my successes. As for education and experience, I hope my résumé speaks for itself. If not, I am afraid no amount of font-size enlargement will make a difference-only deep, penetrating introspection.

I am not against flaunting the rules of the English language in private. However, when it comes to marketing collateral, newsletters or other informative publications, I believe in A.P. style all the way. Ads may call for some bending or extrapolation of the rules, but rarely outright flaunting. Ideas, on the other hand, must be flaunted and bandied about as much as possible in my opinion.

The dog stopped barking. Life is good again. Now I can lick envelopes in peace until I slump unconscious.
I hope I will l hear the phone ringing. Ring baby, ring.

Sincerely,

Steve Dupont